


Inside the Head of a Broken Boy

by Im_going_insane_so_I_write



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Bilingual Lance (Voltron), Blue Paladin Lance (Voltron), Cuban Lance (Voltron), Depressed Lance (Voltron), I Swear A Lot, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Lance (Voltron), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Hotline, bad language, basically a planet they are on has a suicide hotline and lance takes advantage of that, fuck allura, hahahahahahahahaha fuck my life, im not okay but my writing is, im really not having a good time so fucking angst, klance, lance is depresso
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 00:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22006630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im_going_insane_so_I_write/pseuds/Im_going_insane_so_I_write
Summary: The paladins briefly visit a planet, and it has a suicide hotline. They don't boast it, but Lance is searching for one. When they revisit the planet and they now boast how their hotline saved the blue paladin, chaos ensues. How could someone so happy ever be so sad..?
Relationships: Keith & Lance (Voltron), Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 85
Kudos: 109





	1. Finally Found One

Lance POV

I finally found a suicide hotline. I finally found one. As soon as we get on the ship, I rush to my room and call it. It rings for a moment, then the alien running it speaks.

"Intergalactic suicide hotline, how may I help you?"

4 hours later (because I can't freaking write suicide support)------------------------------------------------------------

I come out of my room and crash into Keith, who looks pissed. He looks at me and huffs. "Get out of my way..." I nod and take a step back. He walks past me, and an angry Pidge soon zooms past me, screaming about something technology related. Poor Keith. I smile sadly. I can't leave yet. I just can't. The worker had good points. So I guess I'll just cut myself for now.

4 months later (because why the hell not)---------------------------------------------------------------------------

We land on the planet that hosts the hotline I call basically everyday. When we all get out of the castle ship, we are met with billboards boasting my face and cameras and reporters. My teammates are confused, and I hear Allura grumble.

"Why is that idiot on the billboards..?" Then some dumb reporter shouts out a question, revealing my deepest secret to the other paladins.

"How do you deal with the fact that the blue paladin wants to kill himself?!" I take another look at the billboards. They advertise the suicide hotline. I take a step back, and look to either side of me, seeing my stunned teammates. Allura rolls her eyes. She answers the man loudly.

"Lance isn't suicidal, he probably just wants attention. He isn't the leader and hates it. He probably told you all to pull this stunt." the other paladins nod in agreement, even Hunk. I feel a knot in my stomach and hold back a sob. Then, someone plays an audio recording of the supposedly confidential calls.

"They all hate me. And... I can't blame them. I'm terrible. No one deserves to be burdened by my existence, and they're forced to be around me every day. I feel terrible for them. I really want to end it... because I love all of them..." The recording shows my voice cracking as I started to cry. "So much... they deserve better... Every day I cut myself so I get some sort of punishment for being a terrible person..." All the paladins look at me, and Allura is the first to speak.

"Lance! This is inappropriate! You can't act like this to the people we're supposed to protect, dammit! And we all know you aren't depressed or some shit! I bet there aren't any cuts on your arms!" She grabs my arm, takes the armor off of it, and I'm frozen by fear as she tears down my sleeve. The deep cuts up and down my arms stun her to silence, I tear my arm from her grasp, hyperventilating. Oh fuck oh fuck she knows. "What the hell? You actually did it? Just to keep up this damned act?!" I'm so done.

"IT ISN'T A FUCKING ACT!" I shout at her, sobbing. "I used to be on anti depressants, but I kind of ran out of them back at the Garrison! I've hurt myself for years, dammit! But you don't care, none of you do because you know how useless I am! Just make Allura the blue paladin! Then I can finally fucking die!" I turn and remember there's a crowd. I start to hyperventilate. Pidge is starting to cry, and Hunk is already sobbing. I ruin everything, I just made the two people who might actually care about me cry. What a fuck up I am.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im bad at writing; leave comments about how terrible i am

Lance POV

I can't breathe. I just can't. I take a step away, Allura's shouts filling the air around me but not registering as comprehensible sentences. I look around, the cameras are recording, showing the blue paladin, the stupid blue paladin, break down as his leader tells him to stop pretending when I'm not pretending. I notice Keith actually looks worried and my heart flutters sightly, but I have to ignore it. I turn and run as fast as I can, eyes filling up with tears. I run further and further, into a nearby forest, and keep running. The branches scratch my face and limbs and it hurts, but I keep running. I keep running, and only stop when I can't breathe again.I look around, needing some way to just end all of the hurt and all of the pain I'm going through. And I notice in the distance, a cliff. I run towards it, then stop before the edge. I have to say goodbye to everyone. I turn on the comms, where all of my teammates are frantic. 

"Guys calm down, he's perfectly fine, he just wants attention." Allura says. That hurt. Suddenly Pidge pipes up.

"Lance turned on the comms!"

"H-hey guys..." I say softly. Cue chaos, shouts and sobs. "I'm sorry... I can't keep going on like this."

"What the fuck do you mean?" Pidge asks, voice shaking.

"I just have to say goodbye. I'm sorry for not being the person you want me to be, and I'm sorry for being weak... Goodbye.... Oh, uh, Pidge, Hunk, you guys are the best friends I could have. Shiro, you're a great space dad... Coran, I hope someone else will appreciate your stories. Allura, fuck you. A-and Keith, Keith I lo-"

"I HAVE HIS COORDINATES!" Pidge shouts. My eyes widen and I realize I have to jump now.

"I'm on it!" Says Keith, voice shaking more than Pidge's. I shake my head slightly and run forward, jumping at the last possible moment. I see a flash of red, then I'm tumbling inside of one of the lions. I groan and open my eyes. I see beautiful violet eyes, long black hair, and tears. Keith hugs me close and sobs into my shoulder, pulling me to his lap to hug me more. I blush furiously and hug back after a moment, and he just sobs. "P-pidge is controlling my lion using some tech she made.." He mumbled, sniffling. "Lance, please... tell me why..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry for existing lol


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to the nice people in the comments. also keith has gay panic

Lance POV

Keith holds me tight and close after asking that stupid question. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? The truth? Make them all feel like shit and treat me like a broken toy? Try to glue me back together with fake laughs and smiles. I don't want to be fixed, but it seems like that's all everyone wants. That's all my parents used to want. That's all the teachers at the Garrison wanted, hell, Hunk even knows about my mental problems. Part of why it hurt so damn much when he agreed I was pretending when they found out I'm suicidal. Allura is still going to think it's a fucking joke, I know it. Coran will probably give me a big hug and tell me a story. Keith, I thought he would be mad, but here I am in his arms trying to think of an answer for the question of why.

"Because the universe would be better off without me. Coran wouldn't have to explain things twenty times anymore, Allura wouldn't have to stress about someone not being there when an emergency alarm goes off, Shiro wouldn't have to try and get me to stop being ridiculous, which I actually only do because I want to hide how fucking broken I am but that isn't the point.. Hunk would be able to not have to deal with my jokes and rants about missing Earth, Pidge wouldn't have me fucking her shit up all the time, and you, you, you wouldn't have to deal with me trying to have a stupid rivalry I only made up because of the fact I have a huge fucking crush on you! Oh fuck." Keith's eyes were wide as he processed everything I just said and I started to hyperventilate. He understood why as he realized what I said last. He turned red and let go of me, scooting away a bit. 

"U-uh... sorry man, I'm not gay.." He mumbled. Of course he isn't fucking gay of course he isn't why would I ever think I maybe had a chance, that was so stupid of me-

"I mean, there are other things besides gay or straight. I'm pan. I don't care what someone's gender is."

"Lance I don't fucking like you, please stop grasping at straws." In that moment, I felt all hope leave my soul. Of course. Why would he ever love me..?

Keith POV

Why did I lie? Why couldn't I just tell him the truth, or kiss him to let him know his feelings are reciprocated, but no, I told him I'm fucking STrAighT. GodDAMMIT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also leave a comment because they motivate me. Seriously every time I see a comment I write a new chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the previous state of this chapter

Lance POV

I awkwardly wait in another part of the lion for Keith to land. After his flat out, ruthless rejection, I want to die more than before, because of just the way he said it. Like it was disgusting I would think he'd like someone like me. To be fair, who would like me, right..? Hell, I don't even like me, and I'm supposed to be someone who loves me unconditionally. But I can't love someone like me, someone terrible and worthless. Allura is complaining over the comms, about me.

"Lance, you really need to stop with this pretending! Depression, self harm, and suicide are serious issues and you're treating them like a joke!"

"Because he jumped off a cliff?" Keith snaps. "He almost died Allura, he wouldn't do that if it was an act."

"But he would. He would for attention. Why don't you just admit it to them, to everyone on this planet, Lance? Tell them it was a joke and an act, tell them you're sorry? We can even show them footage from the cameras in your room. They've recorded everything the past five months. So let's see if you were actually acting like this before the planet. o to the cockpit of Keith's lion, I'm broadcasting the footage to all of you" I roll my eyes and go to the cockpit, standing away from Keith. She send footage from five and a half months ago, when everyone was sleeping. I try to warn Keith.

"Don't open it-"

"Don't tell me what to do." He grumbles, opening the footage. It shows me, crying, bayard in a knife form and covered in blood, with blood around me as well, coming from my wrists and thighs. My shirt is off and it shows my body. All skin and bones in the footage, but I know I'm not skin and bones. Scars covering my body, bags under my eyes, tears falling. The clip ends, and everyone speaks up on the comms at once, only Keith silent before me.

"What the hell? Lance, why the fuck would you do that? Y-you have to be kidding, this can't be real..." Pidge says, her voice trembling slightly. I'm sorry Pidgeon, it is real. I know I've disappointed you. I disappoint everyone.

"...Lance, you told me you were better, you told me you were okay! How could you lie after what happened, don't you remember?" Of course I remember the first two attempts, Hunk. Why did you take me to the hospital, why didn't you just leave me to die?

"Lance, we need to help you with this. We can't have a paladin be this unstable, and we're all here for you. We can help you." Shiro says, his voice having a fatherly tone. I'm sorry for making you so worried, you shouldn't have to be worried.

"This is bullshit. Lance, I don't think you should keep acting like this! And if you're going to continue pretending then at least fucking hide it from the people we're supposed to protect!" Ouch. That hurt. I know I'm annoying, Allura, but that was harsh.

"Um, paladins, why did I just get sent some footage of Lance's room?" Coran. Oh shit. Fuck no. Coran please no, please don't watch it, please you'll hate me more than you already do- "Oh my Kwiznak..." He mumbles, voice shaking. "Lance, my boy..." I'm so sorry...

Then Keith turns and looks at me. "Lance, why? You said everyone hates you, but that isn't true and you fucking know it!" I know I am imagining the tears in his eyes. He doesn't care about me. No one does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always nice   
> Also, if someone leaves a comment I'll write the next chapter


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lancey lance gon get a stern talking to. got some more mountain dew and a charger and hours to spare. so expect more, as long as someone comments.

Lance POV

Keith looks at me, glaring.

"Good job. Congratu-fucking-lations! Now everyone really does think you're broken. Now Allura is going to hurt you more. Now you'll have to room with someone. I hope you're happy. You just.... I know you're hurting. I know what it's like. Lance. I can't believe you're doing this. Why the hell are you doing this? Why are you letting them walk all over you? You aren't a fucking doormat, you should've said something! I never would've been so snappish and mean if I knew what you were going through because I know what it's like. Shiro knows what it's like. Hunk clearly cares about you, and Pidge and Coran do too! So why couldn't you just tell us? We would've been better, we would've been so much better to you. Goddammit... I'm so fucking sorry for being such a damn asshole.

"We all care about you and want you to feel better. If you had told us sooner, then we... we... we'd be better. Well, us paladins and Coran. I can't say shit for Allura. But at the same time, I am not blaming you for not telling us. It's hard to speak up and tell people how you're feeling. I'm so sorry for agreeing when Allura said it was an act, I just... I guess i thought, 'how could someone so happy be that sad?' But I should've realized that everyone deals in different ways. I do now, but... It was almost too late. WE were almost too late. I can't lose you, Lance. None of us can. You're THE blue paladin of Voltron. The first to find their lion. The person who is always there for everyone. We all care about you and got I'm just repeating myself at this point but I don't know how to explain that you can't just give up... If not for yourself, then for Pidge, or Hunk, or Coran, or me..."

Keith isn't mad. His face is full of concern, and I realize he just can't show emotions well.

"I'm sorry."

"I never want to hear you apologize again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment!!


	6. Chapter 6

Lance POV

As soon as Keith lands his lion, I book it from the cockpit. I have to see Coran. He's like a dad to me, and he didn't deserve to see that. I finally get to the control room, but he isn't there. I go to his room instead and knock. After a moment I hear a voice.

"Come in..." I open the door and see him hugging a stuffed version of some alien, tears on his cheeks. When he sees me he drops the plush and stands up, then runs over and hugs me tight. "Lance, my boy, why didn't you tell me you were feeling this way, I would've tried to help... I might not be the best help, yes, but I do care about you and want to help you. Now, how about we use a pod to heal the wounds from that video?" I nod slightly.

"Okay." 

\----------------------------

Coran POV

When I get him into the pod, I speak.

"I'm glad those are the only wounds. This will get rid of scars and such, but will also show us the location on your body so we can check to see if they're all gone!" A minute passes and I gape at the diagram. Scars all across his arms and legs and sides, and shallow cuts on most of his body and deeper ones everywhere as well. I call everyone in to show them the diagram. An alert shows up warning of lack of vitamins and nutrition. I call off the alert for everyone but Shiro and the princess. When they arrive, I show them the diagram and alerts, explaining what they meant. Shiro frowns, worried. The princess surprises me with her reaction. She snorts... Why is she so amused by the young paladin's pain?

"Wow, he's really dedicated to this act." The princess says.

Shiro responds with shock in his voice. "You think he's faking scar tissue and wounds ll over his body? Malnutrition? Can't you see that he actually is hurting?"

"He isn't hurting, he's a goofball and a useless part of the team! At least we know he knows it!" The next sound from us echoes. I look at my hand, shocked at what I just did. And the princess is looking at me, a hand on her cheek where I had just slapped her. She huffs and stomps off, and all I can do is stare at my hand. I promised her father to protect her. I promised Alfor.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i drank more mountain dew, im sorry. also, im not having a good day for some personal reasons, so if this chapter isnt as good as normal then i apologize.

Lance POV

I don't know how much time passes until the door of the pod opens, and I fall out. I catch myself, then fall again. Shiro and Coran scramble to help me, but I hit the floor. Just my luck. I don't have the motivation to get up, so I just lay there. 

"Are you okay, my boy?" Coran asks, kneeling down in front of me. I look up at him.

"I want to die. So no." I say, looking around. "So no one else even came to see if I was okay..?" I can tell by the looks on their faces I look heartbroken by that fact.

"No!" Shouts Coran. "I just didn't call them down. Shiro needed to see the data, that's all."

"Speaking of the data," Shiro cuts in. "Lance, you have to eat. you're incredibly malnourished and you're lacking vitamins. That we are going to tell the team, so they can make sure you eat at least twice a day. We need you to be strong."

"I feel like you should know this by what's happened in the past day. I'm weak. Gaining more weight than I already have won't help with that." I start walking away.

"About 150." Shiro says. I flinch

"That much..?" I ask.

"That's how much a healthy person your height weighs, Lance. You're barely 90 pounds." I shrug at Shiro's words, trying to ignore the concern. People don't worry about me. They yell at me and hurt me. It's why I'm here. It's my only reason for living.

"I don't care." I call out. And it's the truth. I don't care. I don't care if I go crazy. I don't care if everyone hates me. I don't care if my family abandons me. I don't care if everyone gives up on me. I don't care if I give up on me.

I don't care if I live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR IN A BIT!!

Keith POV

I sit in my room, thinking. What have I done? I just fucked everything up with someone I love so much. I want to fix it. But how the hell could I? He is so damn perfect, and I'm... me. He might not see how wonderful he is right now, but he will someday. But me? No one has ever noticed me, and no one ever will. I know this. I'll use everything I have in order to make sure that the whole universe notices him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to @UrSpaceDad for being great.  
> Also, I added past abused Lance, so TW

Lance POV

I go to my room, tired. I fall asleep on my bedroom floor while the others learn about my malnutrition or whatever. I close my eyes tight and take deep breaths. And descend into a dream.

\-------the dream--------

I see her shouting at my father, then storm into the room, yanking me up by the arm. 

"Get up, you useless shit!" She screams, following up with, "I wish my son was a better person!" I whimper and try to shy away, only to be met with a fist. She comes down on me, beating me until I bleed. When she leaves, my father comes in to tend to my wounds. 

"Hey little guy, I'm so sorry she hurt you again... Your mama loves you, I promise, she's just stressed. But don't worry, we'll be okay." I nod slightly and hug him, so he holds me close.

\-----------------------

I sit up, breathing fast at the memory of my mom. I just want to forget that she ever existed. It sounds bad, but when she died we were overjoyed. The tears we shed at the funeral were tears of joy, tears to celebrate freedom. But now, I'm in space, far from my siblings and my dad. Far from where I belong. Alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment please!


	10. Not a chapter

sorry for not posting. i havent been in a good place mentally. so yeah.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back. Thank you for waiting for me.

Keith POV

The next day was awkward, to say the least. Lance wouldn't even look in at any of us, and it broke my heart just a little. I wanted to say sorry, to let him know that I made a mistake, that we all did, but I was scared to admit to it. I wanted to be normal, to be able to talk to him. But that wasn't gonna happen. 

Lance POV

This isn't fair. This isn't okay, this isn't right. Everything is awkward between everyone and it's all my fault. Why do I even try anymore? Everything I do is just another mistake, adding to the never-ending list of things that I have done wrong in my life. I want to hurt myself, but I can't, because the others would actually notice. They had me move into Hunk's room, even putting a cot in there for me to sleep on for the time-being. I can't be alone for even one second, because everyone besides Allura is trying to pretend they don't want me to hurt myself. Shiro made me eat a full meal last night and this morning, and my stomach isn't agreeing with the sheer amount of food. I was cleaning Blue when I heard someone talk to me.

"Hey, Lance..." 

"What do you want, Keith?" I snapped, feeling bad instantly.

"I'm sorry I was so harsh on you... It isn't fair and I should have thought more about you."

"It's fine, Keith."

"Are you sure?"

"...No." I whisper, then let out a tiny sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its so short


End file.
